Once a boy
With a soul
Filled with desire
Painting pictures writing poetry
Playing at life dreaming of love
Once a man
With a stain
Consumed by hate
Pictures of pain dark and inward
Poetry and passion drained like piss
James G.
25 yr old white male
down for life
already dead
Hi. Im James. I’ve been encouraged to share some insights – Details in the life of an “alleged” artist. Im told people are interested in me, in my personal history, my daily existence. A biography of sorts. I hate to do this. I hate it because I fit the mold. When I reduce my life to a series of biographical entries its all predictable, uninspired, pathetic. Abandonment and abuse. Foster homes, shelters and hospitals, addiction and crime, adolescent/teenage incarceration. it’s the same old song. The same pattern as everyone in here I despise. More extreme perhaps – certainly more violent. But the same recurrent theme as all the ignorant, amoral, gangbanger scum, and im stuck. Im robbed of the opportunity to break out of the cycle. I robbed myself – the state was certainly compliant, but im the one who pulled the trigger.
That’s what im in prison for – I shot a man. I got out of youth authority having learned nothing, or nothing positive, I should say. Nothing productive, so I basically wandered the streets for a few months with no direction. I fought, I fucked, I curled up shivering in the rain trying to sleep through withdrawals. I was on this fast downward trajectory and nothing had any meaning and in a moment of desperation I shot a man and waited for the cops to pick me up. I’ve never told anybody about that. I’ve got the macho bullshit version like everyone in here. Dude was a scumbag so I shot him. And he was, but none of that went through my mind at the time. I was no righteous avenger. I was miserable and numb and desperate for something to change. Anything. I knew exactly what was coming. I knew i’d come to prison, that i’d regret it later. I pulled the trigger.
That was in May of 2000 . I was sentenced to 25 years ans 10 months for assault and attempted murder. I didn’t kill the man, he got out of the hospital after a few days with no permanent physical injuries. I don’t mean to minimize the crime, he could have just as easily died. The sentence was a little stiff but that’s what I get for shooting people. In a way the judge did me a service though. If I had gotten 5 or 10 years I think I would have gotten out worse like the vast majority of convicts. But when you’re 18, twenty-five years seems like forever so I gave up hope and picked up a knife.
In the 8 plus years I’ve been down I’ve only done about 4 months put together in general population. The rest I’ve spent in solitary confinement for stabbings out on GP (General Population) they got rapists and child molesters walking around eating ice cream and waiting for the day they can get out and grab another kid. Im not okay with that so I do what I feel needs to be done.
I have no illusions that my individual actions will make any kind of difference when most inmates do nothing. But it gives me a sense of pride and honor to do what’s right no matter the cost and its cost me. Besides all the hole time, I’ve picked up 20 odd years for assaults. My release date is now 2048.
So, I’ve had a lot of time to think, and that’s what the judge have me – a chance to develop real principles. Not acceptable social habits but true personal ethics that wouldn’t have evolved without the pain and hardship I’ve had to endure. An unwavering morality that shuns comfort and pleasure. I wouldn’t be the man I am had I gone a different route. Its taken years to make a real internal transformation, not just willpower but a completely different set of perceptions and motivations. If im babbling on its because my principles and character are all I’ve really got to be proud of and I don’t want to come off as completely negative. Anyhow, I’ve got a long way to go.
Im working on compassion towards others – this is very difficult for me. You’d think a person with a past like mine, doin’ all day in prison wouldn’t be such an elitist. (Smiley face) I get so disgusted by people in here or figures in the news. It’s a lot easier for me to empathize with fictional characters in books or film. Enough of that. I believe im supposed to include some exciting personal trivia.
So… here goes: im 26, long hair, tattoos, scars, the usual convict get-up. I hate sports, except fight. Love reading, either non-fiction, poetry or intelligent literature – not the best seller garbage at the grocery store. Same with movies – hate the Hollywood schlock, love independent, foreign and art films. Yeah, im a snob. Fashion design, architecture, music. No im not gay. I have been referred to as “Dirty Metro” (smiley face) if I could do anything id like to be a chef, have my own restaurant and grow all my own vegetables/fruits – the whole local sustainable food trip you have in Portland. Lets see, … my days consist of pacing back and forth, exercise, drawing and fantasizing about the life I wish I was leading and the future I’ll never have. Hopes and dreams? Ha!Ha! I doubt the governors gonna extend amnesty my way so im dreaming of an underground tunnel. Realistically, im just going to continue educating myself and evolving as a human being and I hope to someday apply what I’ve learned. I want to reach beyond these walls and effect the world just a little bit. Make some kind of positive contribution. Show everyone im not a piece of shit.
If you’ve gotten all the way through this you probably have a lot of time on your hands and you’re easily entertained, so feel free to drop me a line or tow – it would certainly be appreciated and get a reply.
James
SRCI
James Greenfield #12049314
777 Stanton Blvd Ontario, OR 97914